Dozy Dermot was walking through Dublin when he saw a monkey sitting on the pavement. It seemed quite tame so he gave it some sweets and started talking to it.
They were getting on fine when a policeman came up and spoke angrily to Dermot: “What do think you’re doing? That monkey shouldn’t be here. Take him to the zoo.”
Continue reading “Dozy Dermot makes a monkey out of the police man”
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Bealtaine Fire - magical Celtic design
A man arrived home from a business trip late at night during a terrible storm full of thunder and lightning.
He saw that his two small children had crept into bed with his wife because they were frightened by the noise. He slept in the spare room but the next morning he explained that while it was ok to creep into mammy’s bed if they were frightened, they should normally stay in their own room and let mammy sleep alone.
Continue reading “How kids can let you down about ‘who slept with mammy while daddy’s away’”
Rory McIlroy was playing in the Irish Open Golf championships when he pulled into a country garage in Kerry to get some petrol. As he was filling his BMW, a local farmer started to chat to him about what a fine car he had. As Rory replaced the petrol cap, a couple of tees fell out of his pocket.
“What are they?” said the farmer, who knew nothing about golf.
Continue reading “What an Irish farmer had to say about Rory McIlroy’s balls”
Fiona decided to buy a parrot for her husband Brian as he had often said that he would like to have a bird and teach it to speak.
She found one in the local pet shot on sale for only €10. “Why is it so cheap,” she asked the assistant.
Continue reading “Out of the mouths of babes, fools and smart arse parrots”
Mary inherited a fantastic little kitchen tool from her mother that she soon started using all the time. It was a kind of cross between a slotted spoon and a spatula. It had dozens of uses and was far better than some of her own expensive utensils.
Mary wondered where her old mother had got it because she had never seen anything like it in the kitchen utensil section of the big department stores. She imagined it must have been made when her mother was young and then later discontinued as it fell out of fashion.
Continue reading “Sooper dooper kitchen scooper has a very unsavoury purpose”
Liam Neeson was having a quiet drink with friends in a Dublin bar. He managed to keep his back to the rest of customers so he could relax without being swamped by fans.
When he needed the toilet, he asked the barman discreetly if there were private facilities.
Continue reading “Liam Neeson causes a splash in a Dublin toilet”
Eileen was in the maternity ward alongside two other women. They were all close to giving birth when one of the women says: “I’m going to have a boy because my husband was on top when we conceived.”
“Ah, I didn’t know it worked like that,” said the other woman. “In that case I’m having a girl because I was on top when we conceived.”
Continue reading “Innocent Eileen worries about the babies she’ll have”
A pleasant but shy young man walked into a bar in the hope of meeting new people, maybe even a girl if he was really lucky.
He sits down at a table in the corner and after a while he notices that there’s been a beautiful girl sitting at the bar on her own for about 10 minutes. No one was talking to her.
Continue reading “Beautiful woman regrets embarrassing a shy stranger in a bar”
A young man had been seeing a girl for several weeks and things were going so well that she invited him back for a meal at her house so he could meet her parents.
They planned to go to see film afterwards and then who knows…one thing might lead to another.
Continue reading “The young lover, some condoms and a sudden need to pray”
Francis was having a mid-life crisis and so bought himself a high performance motorbike to compensate for his receding hairline and advancing stomach.
He ignored warnings from his family and friends that it was too powerful for him and set off on his first ride to the sound of Born to be Wild playing in his earphones.
Continue reading “A tale of two legs…”