Dozy Dermot makes a monkey out of the police man

Dozy Dermot was walking through Dublin when he saw a monkey sitting on the pavement. It seemed quite tame so he gave it some sweets and started talking to it.

They were getting on fine when a policeman came up and spoke angrily to Dermot: “What do think you’re doing? That monkey shouldn’t be here. Take him to the zoo.”

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Did you know...

Irish attractions: Dare you take the nerve-wracking Carrick-a-Rede Rope Bridge Challenge. Don’t look down. It’s not for the fainthearted. Find out more.

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Irish nationalist Michael Collins has been called the “greatest Irishman that ever lived” after masterminding military operations in the Irish War of Independence and helping negotiate the treaty with the British that brought the Irish Free State into being. Find out more.

Bealtaine Fire - magical Celtic design

Winter wonderland

How kids can let you down about ‘who slept with mammy while daddy’s away’

A man arrived home from a business trip late at night during a terrible storm full of thunder and lightning.

He saw that his two small children had crept into bed with his wife because they were frightened by the noise. He slept in the spare room but the next morning he explained that while it was ok to creep into mammy’s bed if they were frightened, they should normally stay in their own room and let mammy sleep alone.

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What an Irish farmer had to say about Rory McIlroy’s balls

Rory McIlroy was playing in the Irish Open Golf championships when he pulled into a country garage in Kerry to get some petrol. As he was filling his BMW, a local farmer started to chat to him about what a fine car he had. As Rory replaced the petrol cap, a couple of tees fell out of his pocket.

“What are they?” said the farmer, who knew nothing about golf.

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Sooper dooper kitchen scooper has a very unsavoury purpose

Mary inherited a fantastic little kitchen tool from her mother that she soon started using all the time. It was a kind of cross between a slotted spoon and a spatula. It had dozens of uses and was far better than some of her own expensive utensils.

Mary wondered where her old mother had got it because she had never seen anything like it in the kitchen utensil section of the big department stores. She imagined it must have been made when her mother was young and then later discontinued as it fell out of fashion.

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Innocent Eileen worries about the babies she’ll have

Eileen was in the maternity ward alongside two other women. They were all close to giving birth when one of the women says: “I’m going to have a boy because my husband was on top when we conceived.”

“Ah, I didn’t know it worked like that,” said the other woman. “In that case I’m having a girl because I was on top when we conceived.”

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Beautiful woman regrets embarrassing a shy stranger in a bar

A pleasant but shy young man walked into a bar in the hope of meeting new people, maybe even a girl if he was really lucky.

He sits down at a table in the corner and after a while he notices that there’s been a beautiful girl sitting at the bar on her own for about 10 minutes. No one was talking to her.

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