Rory McIlroy was playing in the Irish Open Golf championships when he pulled into a country garage in Kerry to get some petrol. As he was filling his BMW, a local farmer started to chat to him about what a fine car he had. As Rory replaced the petrol cap, a couple of tees fell out of his pocket.
“What are they?” said the farmer, who knew nothing about golf.
“They’re my tees,” Rory explained.
“And what in heaven’s name are they for?”
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving.”
“Ah wouldn’t you know it,” said the farmer. BMW think of everything.”
The children were filing into the school hall for their lunch. At the start of the counter was a large pile of apples with a sign in front: “Only take one; God is watching.”
At the other end was a pile of biscuits, but this time the original sign had been removed by one of the pupils who wrote this instead: “Take as many as you like; God is watching the apples.”
Malachi was heartbroken when his beloved Irish wolfhound passed away so he went to ask Father Murphy if he could conduct a funeral service.
“We don’t do funerals for pets,” said the priest. “Try the Protestant church up the road.”
“I’ll do that Father. I see their church roof is leaking so they might be glad of the thousand euros I’ll pay to give my dog a proper send-off.”
“One thousands euros!” said the priest. “Why didn’t you say you’re dog was Catholic?”
The service took place the next day.